Beautiful In His Time

Learning.  Perhaps the hard way?   I have been fighting with the Lord and Captor of my heart.  I want control, but he knows best.  He knows all things.  He gives us His best.  He equips us.

But I'm tired and weak and don't want to if it means...any more from me.

Did I say that?  Did I think it?

He gave his everything so that I might possess His everything and I can't give him everything?

Control because of fear.  I fear all of those things I imagine.  I think on it.  It scares me and I let that keep me.  Hold me in a white knuckled grip.  The what ifs and perhaps whens.  The constant pressure of what I think I should be, but will never measure up to.  Who is the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect neighbor, perfect daughter?  I can't make mistakes because God's grace has a limitation?

I haven't learned.  I give back the reigns, let Him reign and the next breath might find me holding them again.  How many times do I have to grab them back?  Do I not trust Him?

The Jordan River

When I was baptized, wasn't I proclaiming a new life?  Wasn't I letting go of my successes and abject failures?  Wasn't I healed from the disease of sin? 

Of course, I proclaimed new life.  I have it eternally and await it in my flesh (then to fully possess it). 

But I'm in a dying and aching flesh that reminds me I don't belong here.  This is not my home.  My sin continues.

I wish I had time in the day to remember.  To read.  Discipline to delve into the depths of the Word.

I wish I didn't do what I do or dwell upon the things that pull me into bad patterns of thought or attitudes.  Sometimes my emotion runs so high my head can't keep above the waters.  I gasp. 

Lord, help me to not kick against you.  Help me to trust your tender care of me.  If I trusted you fully would I live in perfect peace?

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee; because he trusteth in Thee."

  Isaiah 26:3