Walking out of the pharmacy, you were opening the door to your Silverado. A bit of a shuffle, careful steps and clothing that once fit you 50lbs ago. I'm not sure if it because I was a nurse, or if it is just so obvious from the loose skin that hangs on your body; seeming to weigh you down like lead - but I know your look. A look different from the one that signifies kidney failure, hepatitis, end stage diabetes... It was the slight jaundice from liver dysfunction, the weight loss from either chemotherapy or the anorexia that holds hands with cancer. The dryness of your skin. Your ears and hands look so large when the rest of you is so small.
You can't go anywhere hiding it now. You have a disease eating you up inside; the only thing flourishing in your tired body. The vibrant sign of sin come to life and taking on its own flesh. Death and breakdown knocking at your door.
"To you, O LORD, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help, when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary." Psalm 28:1,2 (ESV) The answer will come in an embrace, in joy, in blessed assurance that there is One who holds the answers, holds our lives and holds our hands through the storms. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him!" Psalm 28:7
Death comes to every person, "It is appointed unto men once to die" Hebrews 9:27. But this does not leave us without hope. Because death does not have the final say. "O death, where is thy sting; o grave, where is thy victory?" 1 Corintians 15:55 "But thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Cor 15:55
I have a piece of my heart that belongs to those who suffer with the ugly word C-A-N-C-E-R. It breaks my heart to see the sufferings, a heart wounded, the questioning eyes, the ambivalence to attempts at answers, the difficulties of facing the morning, the next thing, the fear in the eyes, the deer in the headlights at all of these new and unknown things.
It was a brief moment in passing that I saw you, but it made my heart jump into my throat and tears sting at the edges of my eyes to think of what you must have endured to come to today.
1 comment:
Your post stirs deep feelings. As one that grew up with the dark cloud of CANCER in my home, I well relate to the fear you write of. And sometimes one's worst fears actually do come true. But for a greater purpose, allowed by the loving hand of a Father, Who desires only good and beautiful things for those who suffer. Surely it hurts His heart most of all... but He can see the end from the beginning. Cancer and it's trappings are an accurate picture of sin - so dark, so terrible, so full of foreboding and so painful in so many ways. Oh to have walked that road with messages of hope - would have made it so much easier to bear. I only saw the silver linings much later, but am convinced that sometimes only through much pain comes much joy. God is LOVE!
Post a Comment