Walk Not In The Flesh

**Post number 3 on my journey through depression.  The first two posts are here and here.**
**I am no expert on depression and am simply telling my story and thoughts.  If you want real advice, you'd better see Dr. Google ;)  **
**This post is from a Christian perspective.  I did not take the time to carefully explain where I got all my doctrine or ideas.  Please be patient with me and email me if you want clarification.**

So I think I have lamely established that there is more to depression than "down" feelings.  At least I hope I have.  There are physical symptoms such as insomnia, fatigue, excessive sleep, changes in appetite, restless legs, irritability, digestive ailments not soothed with typical interventions as well as chronic aches and pains.

The emotional changes can fluctuate into many spheres as well; anxiety, excessive feelings of guilt, sad or depressed mood lasting longer than two weeks, inability to complete daily activites, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and in some cases thoughts of harming oneself even to the point of suicide.  I would like to add irrational thinking to that list.  At least to my own symptoms ;)

I was extremely resistive to going on medication to control my depression.  In fact, I still am.  I feel like I have valid concerns of the epidemic of antidepressant prescriptions by primary care physicians.  Just because something has been shown to be helpful doesn't mean it is without cost to an individual.  Certainly the listed side effects of any medication makes one cringe.

But my concern really stems from the idea that perhaps SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) may correct the serotonin imbalance in one's brain, but at the same time inhibit a persons natural ability to heal and correct itself.

Up to this summer I would have reported no side effects, but have gained about 8 lbs since summer and SSRIs are likely to cause weight gain in long term use (over 9 months from what I understand).  Just another reason to have a love hate relationship with the medication.

Truly it has been a gift from above.  "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17

It helped peel me off the floor of life.  After the panic attack, I was quite debilitated .  I relied upon benzodiazepines to assist my severe anxiety.  I quite nearly had a second panic attack two days after the first because I had a passing glance at the laundry basket and realized it was full enough to run some laundry.  I quickly had to tell myself I didn't need to do it and get hold of my racing heart and adrenaline rush.  The benzodiazepines kept me sleeping 12 hours a day and left a grand foggy hangover upon waking.  Try to be a mom drugged.  I was happy and relaxed, but really...  Once the SSRI reached therapeutic levels I was able to taper off the big sedative drugs and resume living. 

I think the Lord knew I was leary and stubborn about going on medication he had to bring me to my knees to get me on it.  That is just my fantasizing though :)

Anyway, I have tried to go off of the SSRI three times now and have had very little success.  I am on a half dose of what I was a year ago which I should probably be happy with...

As many Christians know, the anxiety, guilt, fears and feelings of depression are lies.  Disproportionate and irrational untruths.  There is a lot of lying that goes on in our minds when we are depressed.  Thoughts seem to come from left field, strike deep into us and we obsess over them.  There was a part of me that typically knew I was entertaining ideas that were straight from the the Evil One.

And there are the times when I spent a lot of time "feeling" and not thinking.  And times when I simply despaired over an obstacle I was facing that I "knew" I couldn't handle.

I have not handled myself perfectly ever.  I have not always relied upon the promises God makes to us in scripture.  I have not always relied upon the Spirit of God to lead and direct and guide me.  I have not always let my mind dwell on things "above".  I have not always taken "every thought captive". 

In fact, the deeper the depression the more impossible these things seemed to be (another lie).  So I have read a few encouraging things this past year (mostly directed to them from a beloved friend) and I will post the links at the end.

Some of what I have taken away from these readings:

- keep a tabbed notebook with scripture in it under topic headings (ie: fear, anxiety, despair, hope, joy, peace, healing, inheritance, etc).  When I am overwhelmed I can flip to the topic that best fits my struggle and have a quick and easy reference to what the Lord has to say.

- daily quiet time.  I have had this off and on again, but the need for consistancy was deeply impressed on me.  It is food for the soul.  If I do not eat every day, how can I grow?  How can I find help in time of need if I am weak and anemic?  I may be busy, tired, etc...but this should be top priority.

- Some things I have already been doing for awhile, but were reinforced in reading.  I have found certain dietary changes that have been helpful in controlling my irritability levels.  Cutting caesin, caffeine and refined sugars has been a big help.

- hormonal balancing cream - Arbonne's Prolief is a topical progesterone cream that helps offset the estrogen imbalance in perimenopausal women. 

- sleep - HUGE DEAL!!!!!  Go to bed for goodness sake - sacrifice the clean house and keeping up with life.

- exercise - BIG DEAL!  releases endorphins which are a natural pick me up!  Improves all systems of your body.  Hey, I should do this again...

- do something for someone else.  Be purposeful and plan on doing a small thing to help or cheer someone else.  Be it a note in the mail, a meal, prayer or something bigger.  Force yourself to have those moments where you give yourself to others and have a few moments to not be overwhelmed with yourself.

There is an enemy to our souls, and we are naturally selfish people.  So depression is truly an easy thing to fall into if we fail "take every thought captive" and look at them in light of what scripture says.

It is natural to wallow in self-pity and think our children are so ungrateful and our husbands so uncaring and our friends _______.  It is an act of the will at times to remember "in everything give thanks".

This is easy to do when things are going well for us, but when everything seems so dull and difficult?  Well, if you ask the Lord to show you, you WILL see the grace and beauty that is there.  You will be able to thank him in every circumstance.

Can I thank him that I have struggled the past few years?  I know He is drawing me through it and refining me.  I know that he is blessing and protecting my family in spite of my inadequacies.  It is in my weakness that He will show Himself strong.

Paul asked three times for the "thorn in the flesh" to be taken from him and three times the Lord replied, "my grace is sufficient for thee".  And if this is the thorn in my flesh, I know His response is the same.

I know the Lord is strong enough to heal me, but I know also that His grace is sufficient for me (and my family).  So I pray for healing and am grateful for his grace.  I am thankful that He has a plan, He's working it out and that he is working "all things together for good".

http://www.titus2.com/corners/moms-corner/a-journey-through-depression.html

http://heavenlyramblings.wordpress.com/2012/08/23/1238/#

http://www.titus2.com/sweet-journey.html

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/focus-on-the-family/listen/my-journey-through-depression-303784.html

This picture may seem a little random.  Not only is it reminiscent of warfare, but Israel is in my thoughts and prayers now as the Lord's chosen people once again face turmoil within its borders.  So remember to pray for God's people, the peace of Jerusalem and the always present conflict in the middle east.  An area of greater spiritual battling than my little life here.
   

Israeli children in the Golan Heights 2006