Never Quite Sure

Winter Chirpee around four months

There are so many times when I question what I am doing as a mother and tonight finds me in the same position.  Chirpee is laying on the couch as I write and it is well past his bedtime.  He says he feels sick to his tummy and he has been tossing and turning in bed for an hour and forty-five minutes...I have finally given up and brought him into the living room so I can get some writing done.  Then I think "what will tomorrow bring?  Will we have to do this now every night he isn't feeling well or perhaps he'll start requesting bed be on the couch every night?"  I wrestled with these questions the past 45 minutes as I lay in his bed with him, my neck and shoulders hurting, cold, needing to pee and my legs going numb (from his poor old mattress and my poor old body).  I couldn't take lying next to him, stroking his arms anymore and when I begged off and out of bed he became very tearful and complaining of his "owies" again.

There are so many times as a parent when there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong answer.  This has been one of the most perplexing aspects of parenting for myself.  I tend to second guess, triple and quadruple most every move I make as a mom.

The plans for my evening are squashed by his needs and as I lay frustrated and sorry for myself, I try to remember that Chirpee at age 3 is a brief blink in time.  Chirpee at age 3 will be gone in a breath and I'll exhale and he'll be standing before me a man.  Not needing me to help him sleep, not wanting me in his bed, not wishing for my "soft tickles" anymore. 

And I'll find my voice catch and my interior crack when I remember his tender hand closing into mine as he buried his face in my hair. 

If we have to break some bad sleeping habits along the way - then we will and the memory of them may disappear in time or be of such little consequence in hindsight.  Today seems to have such trouble at times, such inconvenience, and a variety of frustrations or trials.  But with each day, I'm losing who my children are in this moment and I know one day I'll wish I held on tighter and drank MUCH deeper.  So tonight, even though there is still a part of me wallowing in selfishness, I will try to keep each blessing that Chirpee brings at two hours past bedtime with no slumber.