Chirpee: "Why did the storm stop?"
Deereandy: "Because Jesus stopped the storm - he can stop it whenever he wants."
Whenever HE wants. He walks on water in the midst of a storm and He indicates I can walk on water in faith. I can do the impossible as I keep my eyes on Him. Peter looked at Jesus, climbed over the side of the boat, took steps on the top of the rocking sea. "But seeing the wind he became frightened". He took his eyes off Jesus, he looked at the magnificent wind and began to sink.
But Jesus didn't let him sink because of his lack of faith - he quickly lifts him from the water, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" Jesus asked the disciple. So many things seem impossible as these waves billow up inside of me. I feel the calm shed its skin when I postulate on the "why did this happen", "what is wrong with me", "how will I ever...".
It wasn't a pattern of anxiety that pushed me over the edge, I may never have the answer, but Wednesday night I thought I was dying. Deereandy and I were running errands in town, I couldn't catch my breath well any longer, told him to go to ER or call 911 if he couldn't handle me passing out on him. "Just be safe, just be safe" I whispered.
I said a quick prayer for my boys, had peace that the Lord was able to care for our family, didn't have one worry for my soul after death. My heart raced a million beats ahead of me, swam like a fish in my chest, warm heat flooded my body and tingling poured down my extremities. My breath came through a tight straw and I felt myself slipping. Losing control over my body. Tremoring shook me, my limbs felt paralyzed, I couldn't open my eyes, I kept trying to brush my hand on Deereandy's so he would worry I had died in the passenger seat as he sped down the highway to ER.
I couldn't move so I was lifted out of the car by an EMT and brought into the trauma room. The staff quickly ascertained I was still breathing which helped them rule out imminent death. It really was so simple. A panic attack. Blood pressure and pulse up, but oxygen levels good - hyperventilation. All I needed was some good 1:1 time with a brown paper bag retrieving my own CO2 to balance my acid-base balance in my blood stream.
Why am I blogging about this? I am not sure. I don't like my weaknesses to be exposed, but writing has always been theraputic for me as well. I have no answers, I don't feel in control of my body, but I am trying to remember that I don't have to know. I don't have to have control because I know the One who made me. I know the One who knew it would happen. I know the One who calls me to walk to Him in faith - knowing He provides abundantly for all of my needs.
My flesh is weak. I am so filled with pride at times, I pretend that I am more capable than I am. So this is humbling for me. So many people know what happened and it bothers me, irks me that so many know my weakness. Pride - nasty, rotten, decomposing pride. There it is. Maybe if I expose my pride, in my weakness the Lord will show Himself faithful and true.
The past few days I've felt "ramped up" like I am ready to fall over the edge again, I've been on medication that makes me feel groggy and drugged. I've slept more hours than I ever remember sleeping at any time in my life. Others have taken my children for me and my husband has become my nurse and protector and spent many hours researching things that might help me.
Today, I've taken less drugs, felt more alert, feel less "ramped" and a little more like myself. Then again, I am not sure what feeling like myself is supposed to feel like. I remember how I felt a long time ago when I enjoyed little things in life more fully. I want to see each moment as precious. I want to live in each moment and see the blessing, the grace. I want my vision to be filled with Jesus, that I may walk on water. That my life might be a miracle to testify of His great power.
I know the Lord will calm the seas when he decides it is time. I may not understand His ways, but I do understand His passionate love to me. He is the great shepherd and I am "like a little wandering lamb, lost upon the hills I am. Like a shepherd Jesus stands, holding out his blessed hands. 'Come' he says, 'come back to me, little lamb I died for thee. I will take thee to my home, little lamb I pray thee come. I would have thee lie at rest, little lamb, upon my breast, thou shalt be my sweet delight. All the day and all the night."
Scripture references taken from (NASB) Matthew 14:22-26
4 comments:
Oh, Jaime! Love and prayers for you! I do know YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and that "when we are weak, then are we strong"... May you feel the Lord's gentle and perfect strength as you wait on Him in this.
'Praying for you Jaime! "If we could see, if we could know, we often say. But God in love a veil doth throw across our way... And why the darkness leads to light, why dreary days will soon grow bright. Someday lifes wrongs will be made right. Faith tells us so!"
I think we all (moms) struggle sometimes the way your struggling. It just manifests itself in different ways. Praying!
I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I feel a little out of control and confused these days. Although, I have a lot of moments when I think I'm fine, too...confused.
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